DIY Parenting

This is our first child, so any "parenting" I have done up to this point has been on other people's children and anything I've learned has either been academic, or due to the example and advice of others.

One of things that stands out to me most is that in order to be successful as a parent, you must be true to yourself. It is absolutely crucial to "do it yourself" when it comes to parenting. Do it your way, what's right for your family. This involves lots of smiling and nodding because so many people like to be helpful and make suggestions. Some will even go so far as to lend you materials, or provide the equipment that they are sure will make you happy and better off.

I'm working on setting healthy boundaries with the family we have close by. My intention is to provide clear and fair expectations, but I realize that A) it probably just comes off as me sounding like a know-it-all that doesn't have kids and B) They're going to do what they want anyway. So we'll have to just go with the disclaimer that family, especially grandparents, kind of get a free pass on this one.

When I start to analyze what that looks like, I find myself shrinking back a bit from the rest of the world. It's not that I lack confidence and don't want to be looked down on for my decisions as a parent, but rather that I'd just rather not have 90,000 people's opinions swarming around in my head or being shoved at me. I am definitely a keep-it-simple person.

And yet, I read mommy blogs. Heck, I think I might technically be writing one right now. So again, I give myself the warning: Do it yourself. Be deliberate. Make choices. Weigh the options and pick one you want for your family. Counsel with your husband regularly and follow up on the goals you've set. Be flexible, but be consistent. And don't let other people make you feel bad about your choices. It's ok to learn from mistakes, but not ok to get weighed down by them.

So here's a little parenting quirk that I've already discovered in myself. I'm mostly sharing because I think it's funny, but also because it's a tiny way of standing up for myself right now...declaring to the interwebs that I AM SOMEBODY, blaring my very own Bon Jovi-esque homage to Frankie that I'm doing it my way.

We have a two bedroom house. That's it. There's a closet in the hall and a living room and a bathroom and a kitchen, but no other spaces. There are currently two of us. While the kitchen tends to be my main workshop, I have a sewing machine and a desk in the spare room. My husband keeps his school things and occupies half of the closet with suit coats and such. That's where the entertainment center (TV/DVD player) and most of our books are. It's basically a den.

So when people ask me if I have the baby's room "all ready" (because more than a month out I guess that's an important thing to do, even though we haven't even had a baby shower yet and don't have the things for her that are going in there) I cringe.

She's an infant. And technically will be for a YEAR, people! She does not need her own room! Sure, I understand the benefit of having a space to settle her to sleep and feed, away from noise and other people. And as she gets older, she'll need the cue of going into another room, getting in her bed and the door shutting. But it's not her room. There is no theme or decor. I have a couple of things I could hang on the wall, but I've had them for years and would likely put them up anyway. There will be a space for her pack n play and something soft to sit on for feeding/soothing. The bottom half of the closet has gifts we've received for her stored currently in it. But that's it. The changing table is going in the laundry room (it's really just a hall way where the water heater and furnace are but we like to pretend it's fancy) and my plan is to keep my current lazy boy recliner/tv tray and end table work station in the living room up and running, as I add a new line to my job description: Around the clock feeding.

Likely resulting from that drive to set expectations mentioned earlier, I find myself being very verbal about this to poor unsuspecting relatives who are just excited and want to share in our joy. "Is the baby's room all ready, Lynn?"

"No! The baby doesn't HAVE a room. How dare you suggest such a thing in my presence! {Humphrump}"

I think it stems from not wanting her to be spoiled. I grew up in a big family. We had to do work and learned not to ask for things most of the time. There wasn't any entitlement, but there was satisfaction and love and fun and memories, and that's what I want for our first born even before she learns the art of sharing her things, her parents, and her life with another sibling. I want her to appreciate simple things, to spend time outside and to play creatively. And I hate junk. So I'm finding ways to sneak into the conversation that, "No, we don't have space for anything else so PLEASE don't try to give it to us, no matter how cute, or popular, or educational it may seem." Well, that's where I am but I'm trying to be better.

First lesson of parenting learned: don't be a jerk about it! I have a goal this year to be more gracious, and I think this is the exact scenario I somehow knew my personality would clash against. So, how can I handle it better?

Acknowledge where it is coming from.
-Oh thanks for asking. I can tell you're getting excited.

Answer the question:
-We're not quite set up with everything yet, but after the shower we should be good to go.

Leave out the snotty attitude and lecture:
-Luckily there's not a lot to be done so we're feeling calm.

Change the subject back to them:
-So what are you looking forward to?

See, I know these things. I just need to DO them.

That just leaves me with one problem. What in the world does one do with gifts for a child that one has absolutely no intention of using and would rather not have to see ever again (besides thanking the person for their generosity in a sincere note in the mail)? How far is too far when it comes to defending or implementing your own style and preferences for raising children?